Loneliness

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

There's a certain sense of disconnectedness that I've always had in the 2 workplaces I've been in so far. Disconnectedness from the people, I mean. While I would be quite happy to go through the day on my own, I must admit that I do envy the other cliques in the office who regularly chatter away amongst themselves about everyday things, go out to lunch together, and even arrange mini weekend breaks to meet up for a meal or go on a short road trip.

Always, I've always been on the fringe. Just watching, observing. Smiling along with them when they smile, even sharing a twinge of sadness when they talk about disappointment. Never finding myself within the fold. It's not that I don't get along with them. In fact, there are some genuinely very nice people in the office and we do chat from time to time - but maybe it's due to the language thing, or different wavelengths, that I haven't been able to really get closer to anyone.

Then recently a colleague sent an e-mail saying that I made her feel sad and uncomfortable. When I later asked her how and if she'd like to talk about it, she brushed off the question and said it was okay. But how is it okay, when it was clearly important enough for her to write to me about it in the first place? Now I'm feeling uneasy too because it's left unresolved. 🙁 And I've got noone here to talk about it with.

People say that it's lonely at the top. Well, I'm nowhere near the top and it's still pretty shitty to have to answer my own questions fairly often, or have them go unanswered by parties who are involved in a particular issue.

I'm frustrated.

But. It also could be just due to lack of sleep and the stress of knowing that Brandon's got a really nasty cough AGAIN, then allowing my imagination to take over and wonder how life would be like if he caught bronchitis and we didn't act fast enough and we lose him forever.

Yes, rest would be nice...

One Comment

#1Gravatar imagekOtAk says:

i do believe that some of us are loners at heart. it’s not that we purposely want to be that way, its just that we don’t mind being alone. introverts (like me!) actually enjoy spending time alone, or with family or very close friends.

being in a higher / superior position also plays a part in creating the “gap”,but if colleagues are professional with one another, there’s no reason why colleagues can’t be friends & hang out outside working hours.

altho language & mentality also do play a part, you really don’t have to speak the same language to communicate… smile & the world smiles with you….! 😉

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