Isolation

Friday, 28 January 2005

12 days to go before Chinese New Year. It's the year of the rooster, according to the chinese zodiac calendar. That makes me 24 in April--it's 'my' year, so to speak. A special year.

It's the first year ever that I've decided against going for my family's reunion dinners in Penang, voluntarily.

The reason which supports my decision is simple--to avoid conflict and causing my extended family to feel awkward with my presence. Or rather, them feeling awkward knowing that talk of my marriage or Han is taboo with my parents at the moment. So I'd rather spare all of us the tension and not go back this time around.

When Han brought up the topic last night, I hated him for it. How could he think of my parents in that light? Doesn't he know I love them no matter what they've done?

Then I remember--he saw me emotionally shattered that Friday night before our registration. He was the one who tended to my injuries. He was on the receiving end of the vilest words I'd ever heard my parents throw at anyone but myself.

In his eyes, he nearly lost me. I can see that now.

On the other hand, in my parents' eyes, they have lost me, in a sense.

...

I've prayed so much about whether or not to go back to Penang. All things considered, I feel most at peace with the decision not to. Even if it wasn't my immediate response to the prospect of seeing all my relatives in Penang again.

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."

1 Corinthians 10:13

I'm tempted to be angry at everyone for telling me what I should be doing. Even at Lionel, who cared enough to spare his time at work to chat with me online this morning about this... but I know love prevails--and that God Himself is love.

Another reminder I had from BSF was about doing everything to honour God, and to put others before self. If I were to go back to Penang, there's a chance that my presence might bring out the worst in myself and my parents. Definitely not desirable, especially for them since they're in the presence of their peers... so taking myself out of the equation seems like the better alternative. I don't want to make them look bad.

So to all who dispensed advice but got flack from me, I do apologise for my insensitivity and being blinded by my own pain. Please pray for my family and me.

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